llama mittens and an earful of fist

Merry Christmas!

Kind of.

It's early, but because it's December, I can say that. Anyone saying "Merry Christmas" or doing anything considered "Christmas-y" before December should be shot. December is the month of Christmas. Not November. November Christmas people ruin Christmas because by the time December comes, you've heard so many of their "Merry" shit-lines that whenever they open their mouth you want to punch them in the ear.

Don't sit there and talk about how I just said "punch them in the ear". That hurts. Actually, I think I am willing to say that that is one of the more painful punches you can throw. Right in the ear.

But really, when you think about it, who really goes for the ear? Every punch thrown to the ear was supposed to go to the face, but the recipient just turned their head and got an earful of fist instead. And if you don't know you're punching ear, the shock of hard-skullish-head against fist is not pleasant at all.

So I bought Llama mittens today. They're pretty sweet. They have the Llama face on them...and the ears. Warm too. Good buy.

the sexy kangaroo

For those of you who read Jacqui's blog, you might have noticed a comment from Johnny regarding the best costume idea of all time. I am here to expand on that.

Now, with Halloween (and Jacqui's birthday) right around the corner, I figured that I, Kristen the Awesome, would give you a fantabulous idea for a costume. With the assistance of my Vice Awesome (Johnny) we have figured out the best costume ever.

A Sexy Kangaroo.

Yes my friends, I know. It is the greatest idea of all time. Now you are not only restricted to being a Sexy Cat, Mouse, Police Officer, Nurse or Lampost. The selection of "Sexy" costumes has expanded. And in a very practical way.

Practical. How many times have you created a costume, only to realize that there is no where to put your money? Your cell phone? Your moonshine? Well with the Sexy Kangaroo costume, this will no longer be a problem. Because you will have your sexy kangaroo pouch, you will have ample storage for all of your Halloween evening supplies.

"But Kristen," you ask "How is it that a kangaroo can be viewed as sexy? I don't want to ruin the one holiday of the year where I can have an excuse to dress up like a whore and not actually be one."

The answer to that is everything can be sexy. Animals, occupations, inanimate objects. As long as you can wear little to no clothing, it's going to be sexy.

So go ladies!! Be Halloween whores!!

Order information for the Sexy Kangaroo coming soon!!

shirt stew

Hungry? Not sure what to make for dinner?

How about Johnny's shirt in a fine coffee broth? Mmmmm....I am sure it's a delicacy in France. Friggin' french eat everything.

Anyways, another night of creating "piratey things" and the first thing to do is create a dirty pirate-looking shirt for Johnny. Well, actually, I am not really creating anything. Like I said before, I am soaking his shirt in coffee. Very, very, black coffee. It has the consistency of tar. On a cold day.

As I am sitting on my couch watching Ellen and stirring my coffee-shirt stew, I realize "hey, won't Johnny smell like coffee if he wears this shirt?" After determining that he probably will, and that the smell of coffee won't increase his chances with the ladies I am now stuck trying to figure out how to get the coffee smell out, but keep the coffee stain in.

Normally, if I wanted to get out a stain, it wouldn't come out just to spite me. But I have a feeling that if I wash this shirt, the coffee colour will go and that will leave me concocting another stew to cook the shirt in.

Do I put the shirt in the dryer first to "set the stain"? Do I wash in cold water?

Maybe there's some "joke" laundry detergent out there that keeps stains in...

I had a hard enough time learning how to wash laundry properly...and now I have to un-learn and wash wrong?

What a complicated world.

Carnage Day

At my office, we have a large fish tank. In this tank, we have an eel that is a foot long, 3 sharks (one of them an albino), a catfish, a long skinny fish that has really sharp teeth (I can't remember what he's called), and a bunch of other fish that I don't like that much so I didn't try to learn what they are.

Every second Friday is what the office refers to as "Carnage Day". On this day, VP of Op. goes out and buys a bag of feeder fish (goldfish) and drops them in the tank to feed the other fish.

Yesterday, was Carnage Day. I had waited all week for it.

The long skinny fish (let's call him Fabio for simplicity sake) is evil. Before the feeder fish were even out of the bag, he was already trying to down one of them. Unfortunately, the feeder fish that VP of Op. got were larger then normal, because they were out of small ones. So Fabio, is trying to down this thing tail first, then starts choking on it's tail so proceeds to spit it back out. Then he figures if he mushes it a bit, that will be better. So now he is squishing this fish around his mouth and repeatedly swallowing and then spitting it back up.

So disgusting, yet so cool.

Fabio repeats this process with 5 more fish, then comes to the conclusion that he is going to be a fatty if he eats anymore.

Meanwhile, the feeder fish have gathered in a corner, figuring that nobody is going to see this giant mass of moving food. Oscar (who apparently is an oscar fish) swims over and grabs 6 of them at once. I am not joking. Oscar is so freaking skilled, he can dislodge his jaw to allow for maximum fish consumption.

I've decided that I want fish like this. When I was younger we had fish. But they were really small and the only thing they could do was get sucked up into the filter. It was some sort of mass suicide.

Got a death wish? Head to Montreal!

So it is 10:30am (Montreal time) and I have refused to get out of bed and get dressed. Andre has gone off to school (haha sucker!) and so the only thing I have to do is either watch TV or play on his computer.

Now normally, seeing as I really don't watch TV that often, I would choose that as something to keep me occupied due to the fact that I think that everything that I haven't seen is a "brand new show". Unfortunately, 80% of the channels are in French. The only ones that aren't are the American ones (which consist of TLC, TSN, and Discovery) which the French would not touch with a ten foot pole. They think that not dubbing over American english with French is an insult....?

Anyways, my TV watching has consisted of episodes of "Take Home Chef", "Property Ladder" and the occasional episode of "Mythbusters" if I am lucky. I have grown to hate everyone on Property Ladder because they are all morons and continually prove their stupidity on the show. Take Home Chef was alright, but unless Curtis starts cooking without a shirt on, I'm bored of it. Mythbusters is the only thing I have to look forward to unless Discovery does some special about dinosaurs. Because everyone knows that dinosaurs are awesome.

So far I have only encountered two people who refused to speak English to me. I've gone shopping so much that I know how to recognize simple "shopping phrases" in French, to which I reply "oui" or "non" and slip in a "merci" once in a while just to prove that I am the French master. Last night my head almost exploded as the people we were with spoke a combination of English, Vietnamese, and French to our waitress. I shall call this new language Enchamese.

As for the title of this post, I haven't yet decided if everyone here is an idiot, or if Montreal really is a collection of super-heroes who are ultimately indestructible. Everyone drives wherever they want, whenever they want. Pedestrians are the same way. All traffic lights and signs are merely suggestions and should be used to prove to others just how indestructible you are.
They are also in love with their horns. I have a feeling that if a horn should break on the car of a Montrealer, they would probably curl up in the fetal position and cry. Horns are a symbol of power. The more you honk your horn, the more powerful you are. I originally thought that all these people were honking at each other, but then I witnessed not one, but two cars going down the stree at different times just honking their horns repeatedly.

Maybe it is to warn pedestrians to get out of their way, because today, they aren't even going to use traffic lights and signs as suggestions, but are just seeing them as decoration on the side of the road.

My idea of the "Moderately Convenient" store has already been nabbed by the French too. It seems that the only thing that the convenient stores sell are cigs, newspapers, gum and pop. Actually, now that I think about it, those items don't even make it moderately convenient. I never walk down the street and get a small craving for a newspaper.

I am going to finish up this post for now, because there seems to be someone outside with a microphone set at a ridiculous volume. I am in the 12th floor of my hotel and I can hear him clearly repeating "un, deus, frenchwordforthree".

Sorry, I can say frenchwordforthree but I can't remember how to spell it. And the first time I tried I wrote "twat" and I really hope that is not the correct spelling.

the so-so gatsby

Am I missing something "deep" in "The Great Gatsby"?

If so, I would like to be notified. Considering that I went out and bought the book under the assumption that it was some great piece of literature, when I brought it home and found out that it read like a Level 3 Reading Rainbow story I was slightly dissappointed.

Now I am sure that it is quite possible that I am missing something in it. I'm probably going to get some comment from someone explaining to me why I am a complete idiot, and then they will lay out every part of the book that had a "deeper meaning". Quite frankly though, I'm currently finding the book to be a better coaster for my tea.

On a completely different topic, I am finding my giant novelty martini glass to not be giant enough to drown sorrows in. Therefore, I have created some sketches of a "Martini Fountain" made up of three martini glasses and a crazy straw.

"You're Beautiful" - James Blunt

Worst song ever.

The only thing that annoys me more then hearing that crappy song on the radio, is hearing that SAME SONG on THREE different stations on the radio at the same time.

Fucktastic.

Why is this song on three different stations? Actually, why is this song on any station? Am I the only person who can't understand a flipping thing this guy is singing besides the line "you're beautiful"? All I hear are a bunch of mumbly noises. Worthless.

For those of you who *gasp* have never heard this song before, I'll give you a brief description of Mr. Blunts' distinct "sound":

Think of the sounds a drunk guy would make if you kicked him in the groin and then blew dust into his eyes while he lay on the ground making crying sniffle noises.

Yeah, that's about what it sounds like.

I would prefer not to listen to shit on the radio. Thank you.

Congratulations! You're unfit for human socialization!

Being able to go out in public is not a right, it's a privelage. Therefore, those deemed unfit for socialization should be kept in a dimly lit area and only allowed human contact when it's feeding time.

Overcome with a brief period of stupidity, I decided to go to the mall today. On a Saturday. When every other nimrod and their family is there as well.

After my "Saturday Mall" experience, I have come up with a few simple rules/guidelines/tips for people to follow, so I don't feel an urge to put my foot in their ass.

1. Just because there are 5 of you shopping together, does not mean that you can walk through the mall and take up the WHOLE walkway. Just to let you know, other people would like to get by you, and did not previously plan to encounter the red coats marching down to centre court.

2. Do not glare at me if I am trying on clothes and you are waiting for a change room. If you are in that much of a rush that you can't wait 5min for me to try on a pair of pants, then feel free to strip down in the middle of the store and try on your potential purchases there. Besides, glaring at me will make me angry and cause me to move extra slowly so as to infuriate you even more.

3. Strollers are not a weapon. I have never seen an advertisement for a stroller where they also let their customers know that the front end of it can double as a cow catcher. If you want to hit the back of my legs with your stroller REPEATEDLY then I want to kick you in the shins with my pointy shoes.

4. Sales don't always save you money. I actually witnessed a women today, who spent an extra $50 so that she would save $30. Then she proceeded to argue with the sales lady because she didn't really want that extra $50 item, but she really wanted $30 off. And I would really like a unicorn. But guess what, it's not going to happen. Stop wasting everyones time and just buy the shit.

5. Nobody wants to witness your DD in the middle of the mall. If you think your husband is a jackass because he is questioning your vacation plans, tell him at home. Don't stand in the busiest section of the mall, blocking traffic, and yelling at the top of your lungs. People who act like this in general should be shot. They're wasting our air.

On a happier note, I managed to get a new fall wardrobe. If I had had a taser with me while I was shopping, it would have made the experience a lot more enjoyable though.

Just when you thought you could go to sleep...

Are you scared of monsters under the bed? Worried that something might "get you" while you're sleeping?

Well, fear no more! Armor of God PJs are here to save us all!

Seriously people, come on.